the Ex and "the best interest of the children"

As a lawyer, a divorcée with children, and as someone who has frequently volunteered as a family court mediator and CASA for children, I’ve heard the phrase “the best interest of the children” used repeatedly.  What is most startling about this phrase is how often it is actually used as a weapon against the other parent. Such a small turn of phrase, meant to be a protectionary clause for the children involved (not to mention for the parents -for what parent, in their right mind, would not want what is in their child’s best interest?) is thrown about like a poison tipped sword in custody disputes.

Let’s take our situation. My husband (“Mark”) has a, well, volatile (to say the least) relationship with his ex-wife (“Dana”). They have two wonderful, lovely, bright children, “Elizabeth and Andy”. We recently moved homes, schools for my two boys and geographies in order to relocate closer to Elizabeth and Andy. We moved from a 14 hours drive (in reality, a flight plus 2 hour drive) to see them, to a 3.5 hour drive. Accordingly , we are exercising more of the parenting time afforded my husband in their agreement. And we are being vehemently punished for doing so. The term the “best interest of the children” is spewed at us with the hatred of a serpent, a mama bear who does not like the fact that the children have a father at all and is furious that he is inserting himself at all. A woman who hates her ex-husband with a passion and a will power that is eating her alive.  

A primary custodial parent who lords that fact over the noncustodial spouse, so that he has to either agree with her demands or not see the kids at all, is shameful. Mark would like to bring his children to his residence (3 hours away) one weekend a month, and see the children in their hometown one weekend a month. Dana disagrees with this and thinks all of his time with the kids should be spent at a hotel in the town in which they live. She says she will not “give” the kids to him over the weekend unless he agrees that the visit will be in their hometown. In her response to his request, she states:

“If this is not followed, I will not be sending the kids for visitation. I want what is best for them.”

Because it is a choice between not seeing the kids, or complying with her demands, he must acquiesce.

 Now I’m not saying the kids should be traveling back and forth all the time (I have two children as well, with a father 3 hours away, and all the travel can wear them down) but the fact of the matter is this – we live in one of two of the only close actual “cities” to the town where Mark’s children live. We could not feasibly live in their hometown because there is no industry there – therefore we could not work in our highly specialized practice areas. The past few years their father and I saw the kids at least 2 times a month, even from the other side of the country. We travelled constantly to ensure we saw them, that they knew how important they were to us. We moved for them, to have a home for them nearby. A home they are now not being “allowed” to enjoy.

So what is in “the best interest of the kids”? To not see their father at all? To only have “visits” with him in a sanitized hotel room, with no toys and a tv to watch when they’re bored. To always feel like their dad is a “visitor” – not they have another home, with their own bedrooms and toys and clothes and neighbors in another town? Is it in their best interest to not be really, personally involved with their father? Their mother thinks that keeping them in their home town, keeping them away from their father, is in their best interest. This is a power issue for her – keeping control of them and of her ex-husband. Making sure he knows daily that he made a mistake in leaving her over 4 years ago. Knowing –and repeatedly saying – “if you don’t like it, you can go back to court,” all the while knowing how long court takes, knowing that we will just go along with her demands. Knowing  that we wouldn’t subject the kids to a long, drawn out custody dispute because, oddly enough, we don’t believe that that is in “the best interest of the children.”

Maybe this blog is just a rant, and we have issues with the mother beyond just this (think major psychological messing with the kids) but my point is this: anyone who is in the middle of a custody dispute, or finds themselves arguing daily with their ex partner, please, please really consider what is in “the best interest of the children.” Please put away your hatred, your dislike of your ex-partner, his or her new spouse/life/etc and think about what you’re doing to your children. Make decisions based on love for them, not hate for your ex partner. Be a good human being, a considerate, kind person. Be a parent.

I’ll leave you with this – Elizabeth took me into her school the other day. On the wall was a drawing introducing herself to her classmates:

Who is my family: my mom, Andy

Who do I look up to: my dad

Hmmm….. that pretty much says it all right there.