Parental Alienation
What is Parental Alienation?
Parental Alienation is a form of child abuse fueled by the war between ex-spouses. It is any attempt by one parent to alienate a child from the other. This includes blocking or interfering with visitation or any other form of contact, false allegations of abuse and ex-bashing. As their parent, the symptoms of this will be obvious to you. Your children may start withdrawing from you or showing fear towards you. They may also start “recalling” past memories that are not true – a direct result of parental brainwashing. The good relationship you had with them is slowly being eroded by a nasty ex who wants to hurt you and use your children as the pawn in this game. Your innocent children are being victimized.
It is when
parents physically or psychologically rescue the children when there is no
threat to their safety. This practice reinforces in the child's mind the
illusion of threat or danger, thereby reinforcing alienation.
These
behaviors whether verbal or non-verbal, cause a child to be mentally
manipulated or bullied into believing a loving parent is the cause of all their
problems, and/or the enemy, to be feared, hated, disrespected and/or avoided
How
common is PA and PAS?
When parents first separate there is often parent alienation. For example, due to the anxiety of the mother, she is likely to say indirectly to a child that he or she is not safe with the father.
When parents first separate there is often parent alienation. For example, due to the anxiety of the mother, she is likely to say indirectly to a child that he or she is not safe with the father.
She
might say:
"Call
me as soon as you get there to let me know you are okay."
"If you get scared, you call me right away. Okay?"
"I'll come get you if you want to come home."
"If you get scared, you call me right away. Okay?"
"I'll come get you if you want to come home."
Usually
this level of alienation dies down after the separating parents get used to
changes brought on by the separation and move on with their lives.
However,
in rare cases, the anxiety not only doesn't calm down, it escalates. PAS
parents are psychologically fragile. When things are going their way, they can
hold themselves together. When they are threatened however, they can become
fiercely entrenched in preserving what they see is rightfully theirs.
One
of the mother's roles is to help the child develop as a separate person,
therefore, infancy and childhood become a series of tasks of learning how to
become independent. For example, learning to putting oneself back to sleep,
eating, toilet training and caring for one's hygiene.
Instead
of promoting this independence, the alienating parent encourages continued
dependence. The parent may insist on sleeping with the child, feeding the child
("It's easier if I do it"), and taking care of these rites of passage
longer than normal child development calls for. This "spoiling" may
not feel right to the child, but they do not have enough ego strength to do
anything about it.
A
PAS mother can't imagine that the father is capable of planning the child's
time while in his care. Therefore, she arranges several things for the child to
do while at the father's house. One of the most common ways of doing this is to
sign the child up for on-going lessons without permission from the father.
The
parent may even decree whom the child can and cannot see, particularly specific
members of the child's extended family on the father's side. The mother
desperately wants control over the time when the child isn't with her.
Why is PAS a double bind
for the child?
When children spend time with the father, and enjoy it, they are put into a double bind. Clearly, they cannot tell the mother that dad treats them well or that they had fun together. They want to bond with the father, but don't dare. They figure out on which side the bread is buttered (who has the power), and their survival needs tug at them. Therefore, children will tell the mother about everything they didn't enjoy about time spent with the father, which will add to her belief that they don't like to be with him. These children feel that they must protect the mother. The same is true when the alienator is the father. The child will avoid expressing their affectionate feelings for the mother to him.
When children spend time with the father, and enjoy it, they are put into a double bind. Clearly, they cannot tell the mother that dad treats them well or that they had fun together. They want to bond with the father, but don't dare. They figure out on which side the bread is buttered (who has the power), and their survival needs tug at them. Therefore, children will tell the mother about everything they didn't enjoy about time spent with the father, which will add to her belief that they don't like to be with him. These children feel that they must protect the mother. The same is true when the alienator is the father. The child will avoid expressing their affectionate feelings for the mother to him.
