my love/hate relationship with football

Oh my goodness - it's fall. I LOVE fall. I grew up in the Midwest with my parents and two brothers – while growing up fall meant the sound of football games on TV and the smell of chili. It meant Friday night high school games, Saturday swim meets, apple-picking and Halloween parties. I just simply LOVE fall! And I LOVE football… or I did. Because that love unfortunately passed on to my sons, and now, I might be starting to HATE football!!!

I was so excited when my now 8 year old started to play flag football out in Pennsylvania two years ago. My little football player, diving around the grass after the flag, loving every second and having fun. Last year I was even more excited to get him involved in "real" football- pads, tackling and all. I was a little hesitant, he was only 7 after all, but I read the rule book, talked to other parents and thought, hey, this should be okay! And so we entered life in (cue sound effects) ….. Pop Warner.

Oh Pop, whoever you are, WHAT DID YOU DO? Last year, a single mother, my ex-husband having moved back to the Midwest from Pennsylvania, my now husband traveling back and forth on weekends to see his children in the Midwest, I was handed a 75 page playbook on the day of my 7 year old son's first football practice. WTH? This kid was in first grade - he could barely read a 10 page book much less a 75 page playbook! And yes – I know I said I love football – but that means I love watching football. I love eating nachos. I love the cute fan gear and drinking beer and hanging out with friends. I had no idea what the refs were doing, what kind of plays were being called, and, outside of the quarterback, I had no clue what football "positions" even existed. Now I found myself the keeper of the plays, trying to teach my son, who really just loved the idea of football himself at this time, the intricacies of the game. And then I was TESTED on it. Yes - a TEST from the coach, two weeks into the hell of the daily, 2 hour practices that made up the month of August. (Technically this test was meant for my son, but as we just discussed his beginning reading abilities, in reality it was meant for me). Let’s just say I didn’t get my score back, but it was probably the first test I’d failed since freshmen year algebra in college (I hate math as much as I loved football, FYI).

When we moved back to the Chicago area in July, I repressed my shudders of fear and loathing of Mr. Pop Warner and signed my son right back up for his local team. He was now 8, only in 2^nd grade because of a late summer birthday, but he was a big 8. Strong, athletic, still as much in love with football as he was on the day of his birth (his dad was a football player - I think this stuff is just innate). The coach called me to let me know that, since they couldn’t have “real” practices until August, they were going to be meeting at a gym in the area on Friday nights for the kids to “condition.”

Aww, that’s nice, I thought. Getting the boys together to meet each other and play on Friday nights. That’ll be great for my little H – he can get to know some new kids in the area.

I’m slightly ashamed to admit that I really am that naïve. Because these Friday night “conditioning sessions” were NOT PLAYDATES. These were intense, well, conditioning sessions! For 8 year olds! I’m talking pull ups, sit ups, pushups, hell there were even SLEDS involved. This was some serious cross fit shit people! And as much as I love a good sweat session, I don’t even torture myself with that craziness!

Still, I refused to listen to that little voice in my head. My lovely husband, who has a lot more common sense than me, begged for me to reconsider flag football again. “Remember how much fun H had, he actually got to touch the ball! This Pop Warner stuff is like the NFL, and as he youngest kid on the team, he’s barely involved in the plays. He’s going to end up hating football!”

“No, no no,” I resisted. “This will be different. I told the coach how crazy the Philly team was. He understands. This won’t be as intense.”

“Linds, the man just told me they do TWO a day practices in August, every day! They don’t huddle. Do you know what that means? That’s what Peyton Manning does – not what a group of attention span-impaired 8 year olds do. This guy is serious – this is going to be worse than last year. For God’s sake, look around. There is not one person here who is NOT wearing a Bears shirt of some kind! This is football country! Please consider flag!”

And guess what happened? As usual, I won (in case you can’t tell, I mostly win because I’m stubborn and hard-headed and in general I fail to listen to reasoning, but that’s the subject of a different “Let’s Discuss” blog). On August 1^st H started his, gulp, 2 a day practices and his summer ended. I hadn’t thought of how the practices would affect visiting dad during his final summer month (in fairness, either had dad, because he does play a decision making role in the kids’ lives). We juggled trips to dad’s with practices, I earned the constant disapproval from the coach for my lack of commitment and yet my son still made the elite team. And school started, and Pop, in his general kindliness and consideration, ordained that the children should only practice for 2 hours a night THREE days a week during school. And I found myself exhausted, running back and forth to practices, incorporating homework and showers and time with our families. I found myself making homemade cookies for bake sale fundraisers, and volunteering for water bottle duty. I found myself fighting with poor H, who was losing the joy of football from the strain of going every day and playing a minor role in a game he so loved. And I thought, next year, we are doing flag. So sorry Pops, but you and I are cutting ties.

And then…. We get an email. My son’s team, 5 and 0 this season, light years ahead of their opponents in general skill and athleticism, has been invited to Mr. Warner’s Regional competition as the leading team in the area!!! My heart jumps, I’m so proud, I’m planning my outfit (adorable little bee sweatshirt)… H is a football champion, a prodigy, the first NFL player in our family!!! I LOVE POP WARNER!!! I tell H, who is seriously ecstatic. He also plans his outfit (the kid is a little OCD on his matching gear – more in love with the idea of looking like a football player than actually hitting kids at this point). He’s happy, we’re happy – and we all sit down for a steak dinner, infusing our little man with protein in preparation for the up-coming big game.

That night I tuck my sweet little H into bed, kiss his precious 8 year face and ruffle his feathery soft hair on his little 8 year old head. “I’m proud of you buddy,” I whisper. He grins, and then I watch it fade. “Mom?” he says.

“Yeah bud?”

“I was watching the big kids at L’s (younger son) flag football game on Sunday. I was really good when I played that right?”

“You were great H – totally fearless,” I agree.  

“Do you think, um, maybe, would you guys be proud of me if I just played flag next year instead of on the Swarm? These guys are kind of crazy.”

My NFL dreams come crashing down and I laugh, grounded once again. Out of the mouths of babes. Oh thank you God for the sweet intelligence of our children.

“Of course we would H. We’re proud of you no matter what.”

“It’s kind of good for you too, Mom,” he says.

I’m a little surprised. So he’s growing up, he sees the hardship on us too, I think.

 “Yeah,” says H. “I don’t think flag football has any bake sales, and I didn’t want to tell you but your cookies aren’t very good. Nobody really buys them.”

Sigh… so long Pops. Here’s to flag (and pre-packaged goodies).

Parental Alienation

What is Parental Alienation?

Parental Alienation is a form of child abuse fueled by the war between ex-spouses. It is any attempt by one parent to alienate a child from the other. This includes blocking or interfering with visitation or any other form of contact, false allegations of abuse and ex-bashing. As their parent, the symptoms of this will be obvious to you. Your children may start withdrawing from you or showing fear towards you. They may also start “recalling” past memories that are not true – a direct result of parental brainwashing. The good relationship you had with them is slowly being eroded by a nasty ex who wants to hurt you and use your children as the pawn in this game. Your innocent children are being victimized.

It is when parents physically or psychologically rescue the children when there is no threat to their safety. This practice reinforces in the child's mind the illusion of threat or danger, thereby reinforcing alienation.

These behaviors whether verbal or non-verbal, cause a child to be mentally manipulated or bullied into believing a loving parent is the cause of all their problems, and/or the enemy, to be feared, hated, disrespected and/or avoided

 

How common is PA and PAS?
When parents first separate there is often parent alienation. For example, due to the anxiety of the mother, she is likely to say indirectly to a child that he or she is not safe with the father.

She might say:

"Call me as soon as you get there to let me know you are okay."
"If you get scared, you call me right away. Okay?"
"I'll come get you if you want to come home."

Usually this level of alienation dies down after the separating parents get used to changes brought on by the separation and move on with their lives.

However, in rare cases, the anxiety not only doesn't calm down, it escalates. PAS parents are psychologically fragile. When things are going their way, they can hold themselves together. When they are threatened however, they can become fiercely entrenched in preserving what they see is rightfully theirs.

One of the mother's roles is to help the child develop as a separate person, therefore, infancy and childhood become a series of tasks of learning how to become independent. For example, learning to putting oneself back to sleep, eating, toilet training and caring for one's hygiene.

Instead of promoting this independence, the alienating parent encourages continued dependence. The parent may insist on sleeping with the child, feeding the child ("It's easier if I do it"), and taking care of these rites of passage longer than normal child development calls for. This "spoiling" may not feel right to the child, but they do not have enough ego strength to do anything about it.

A PAS mother can't imagine that the father is capable of planning the child's time while in his care. Therefore, she arranges several things for the child to do while at the father's house. One of the most common ways of doing this is to sign the child up for on-going lessons without permission from the father.

The parent may even decree whom the child can and cannot see, particularly specific members of the child's extended family on the father's side. The mother desperately wants control over the time when the child isn't with her.

http://www.breakthroughparenting.com/PAS.htm

Why is PAS a double bind for the child?
When children spend time with the father, and enjoy it, they are put into a double bind. Clearly, they cannot tell the mother that dad treats them well or that they had fun together. They want to bond with the father, but don't dare. They figure out on which side the bread is buttered (who has the power), and their survival needs tug at them. Therefore, children will tell the mother about everything they didn't enjoy about time spent with the father, which will add to her belief that they don't like to be with him. These children feel that they must protect the mother. The same is true when the alienator is the father. The child will avoid expressing their affectionate feelings for the mother to him.

 

the Ex and "the best interest of the children"

As a lawyer, a divorcée with children, and as someone who has frequently volunteered as a family court mediator and CASA for children, I’ve heard the phrase “the best interest of the children” used repeatedly.  What is most startling about this phrase is how often it is actually used as a weapon against the other parent. Such a small turn of phrase, meant to be a protectionary clause for the children involved (not to mention for the parents -for what parent, in their right mind, would not want what is in their child’s best interest?) is thrown about like a poison tipped sword in custody disputes.

Let’s take our situation. My husband (“Mark”) has a, well, volatile (to say the least) relationship with his ex-wife (“Dana”). They have two wonderful, lovely, bright children, “Elizabeth and Andy”. We recently moved homes, schools for my two boys and geographies in order to relocate closer to Elizabeth and Andy. We moved from a 14 hours drive (in reality, a flight plus 2 hour drive) to see them, to a 3.5 hour drive. Accordingly , we are exercising more of the parenting time afforded my husband in their agreement. And we are being vehemently punished for doing so. The term the “best interest of the children” is spewed at us with the hatred of a serpent, a mama bear who does not like the fact that the children have a father at all and is furious that he is inserting himself at all. A woman who hates her ex-husband with a passion and a will power that is eating her alive.  

A primary custodial parent who lords that fact over the noncustodial spouse, so that he has to either agree with her demands or not see the kids at all, is shameful. Mark would like to bring his children to his residence (3 hours away) one weekend a month, and see the children in their hometown one weekend a month. Dana disagrees with this and thinks all of his time with the kids should be spent at a hotel in the town in which they live. She says she will not “give” the kids to him over the weekend unless he agrees that the visit will be in their hometown. In her response to his request, she states:

“If this is not followed, I will not be sending the kids for visitation. I want what is best for them.”

Because it is a choice between not seeing the kids, or complying with her demands, he must acquiesce.

 Now I’m not saying the kids should be traveling back and forth all the time (I have two children as well, with a father 3 hours away, and all the travel can wear them down) but the fact of the matter is this – we live in one of two of the only close actual “cities” to the town where Mark’s children live. We could not feasibly live in their hometown because there is no industry there – therefore we could not work in our highly specialized practice areas. The past few years their father and I saw the kids at least 2 times a month, even from the other side of the country. We travelled constantly to ensure we saw them, that they knew how important they were to us. We moved for them, to have a home for them nearby. A home they are now not being “allowed” to enjoy.

So what is in “the best interest of the kids”? To not see their father at all? To only have “visits” with him in a sanitized hotel room, with no toys and a tv to watch when they’re bored. To always feel like their dad is a “visitor” – not they have another home, with their own bedrooms and toys and clothes and neighbors in another town? Is it in their best interest to not be really, personally involved with their father? Their mother thinks that keeping them in their home town, keeping them away from their father, is in their best interest. This is a power issue for her – keeping control of them and of her ex-husband. Making sure he knows daily that he made a mistake in leaving her over 4 years ago. Knowing –and repeatedly saying – “if you don’t like it, you can go back to court,” all the while knowing how long court takes, knowing that we will just go along with her demands. Knowing  that we wouldn’t subject the kids to a long, drawn out custody dispute because, oddly enough, we don’t believe that that is in “the best interest of the children.”

Maybe this blog is just a rant, and we have issues with the mother beyond just this (think major psychological messing with the kids) but my point is this: anyone who is in the middle of a custody dispute, or finds themselves arguing daily with their ex partner, please, please really consider what is in “the best interest of the children.” Please put away your hatred, your dislike of your ex-partner, his or her new spouse/life/etc and think about what you’re doing to your children. Make decisions based on love for them, not hate for your ex partner. Be a good human being, a considerate, kind person. Be a parent.

I’ll leave you with this – Elizabeth took me into her school the other day. On the wall was a drawing introducing herself to her classmates:

Who is my family: my mom, Andy

Who do I look up to: my dad

Hmmm….. that pretty much says it all right there.